The reindeer is hiding by my side, above the biggest cigarette smoke. I want to try a whisky, please. I’ve been cold for a while. Might be because I was in love with someone who didn’t fell the same way. My salad came with a side dish of go fuck yourself. The doctor said I should sleep. Maybe he meant forever. I don’t like crappy love stories. I like the crappy relantionships that work because people love eachother too much. I love when I love too much. Or someone loves me too much. Let’s fucking be too much, maybe we’ll live better. I still wait for that drink. The reindeer grew old and died. Maybe that intoxicating smell kept her alive. Like the shitty things people are going through. I think that’s what keeps us alive. Feeling like shit. We want to know if we can survive when something really bad happens to us. And we do. It’s like conquering a math problem. Or not. I don’t know. I want a cigarette. I don’t need it anymore, but I want it. This is my relationship status by the way. Hopefully, I will get sick of wanting the same person over and over, because he never got sick of rejecting me from time to time. I love chips. Actually, I don’t. I just ate 1 box of them. I was bored. That’s enough confessing for today.
The worst thing about myself is that I make the worst mistakes just because I am hurt. I don’t do them for fun or whatever, but just because someone or something is hurting me baddly. And all that guilt makes the hurt and the emptiness I feel disappear for a while. And it’s the worst thing someone can do about themselves.
Usually, I would consider myself a bad person but now I know I do all these really stupid shit just because of my hurt, just because I am human. And sometimes all you can seem to do is lose control while discovering how to recover.
So if you’re like me and you kind of feel you lost yourself in mistakes, just remember sometimes it is all you can do and someone out there has done worse than you (it’s not the smartest thing to advice but you know).
Cheers to the human part of us, that sometimes sucks.
“The chance I never take, could be the change I never make.” -William Chapman
be prepared to make all the mistakes necessary to give yourself the experience it takes to get to where/who you want to be.
“I cannot make you understand. I cannot make anyone understand what is happening inside me. I cannot even explain it to myself.” ―Franz Kafka
“Before you can kill the monster you have to say its name.”
“There’s a future version of me who’s proud I was strong enough.”
Believe it or not, I was trying to make everything better. I know you’re angry but I hope you’ll forgive me. It turns out, sometimes you have to do the wrong thing. Sometimes you have to make a big mistake to figure out how to make things right. The stakes are painful. But they’re the only way to find out who you really are. I know who I am now. And I know what I want.
“Sometimes I wish I’d never met you and hope I’d never think of you ever again and sometimes I try to remember all the moments, to not forget a single thing about you, about us. I don’t want to forget how you had the most beautiful laugh and the most amasing mind. I don’t want to forget how much magnetism we had. How in 2 weeks we could look at eachother and know what the other was thinking. I don’t want to forget any of the many many jokes and laughs we had. You were too fucking incredible to let myself forget you. But sometimes I miss you so much, I want to pull out every memory of you from my mind and heart because it is too much pain to handle.
I learnt in some months to not think of you non stop. I actually didn’t thought of you for days in a row.
But everytime I hear a sad song, or I find something relating to you, or the moments I sit in silence with my thoughts (which I never allow myself to), I burst in tears for hours.
I don’t know how much longer this will continue. Maybe forever because you really were important to me.
I just wish I could move on like you did. I really wish that. I hope that I could not miss you like you do not miss me. I just want to let go of you how you did of me.
The funny thing is that you always were rational and I always was sentimental. So I guess I lost because of this.
It’s kinda pathetic I still write about you after all this time and after all the stuff you said to me making it clear that you don’t want me anymore. And I still tried.
Sometimes I regret that I fought for you so hard. So hard. Maybe it would be different. Or the same. But at least, I wouldn’t have spend so much money to see you only for an half of hour. Or I wouldn’t have cried in front of you. Or making myself a fool in front of your friends. Or just putting my everything to you so you could just push it away.
I’ve been heartbroken before. It’s not a premiere or something. You were just so different and so good for my heart and life.. I guess I wasn’t like that to you, even though you always told me I was incredible and yours and etc
Maybe I was not good enough for you.”