“There’s a future version of me who’s proud I was strong enough.”
Believe it or not, I was trying to make everything better. I know you’re angry but I hope you’ll forgive me. It turns out, sometimes you have to do the wrong thing. Sometimes you have to make a big mistake to figure out how to make things right. The stakes are painful. But they’re the only way to find out who you really are. I know who I am now. And I know what I want.
Sometimes I wish I’d never met you and hope I’d never think of you ever again and sometimes I try to remember all the moments, to not forget a single thing about you, about us. I don’t want to forget how you had the most beautiful laugh and the most amasing mind. I don’t want to forget how much magnetism we had. How in 2 weeks we could look at eachother and know what the other was thinking. I don’t want to forget any of the many many jokes and laughs we had. You were too fucking incredible to let myself forget you. But sometimes I miss you so much, I want to pull out every memory of you from my mind and heart because it is too much pain to handle.
I learnt in some months to not think of you non stop. I actually didn’t thought of you for days in a row.
But everytime I hear a sad song, or I find something relating to you, or the moments I sit in silence with my thoughts (which I never allow myself to), I burst in tears for hours.
I don’t know how much longer this will continue. Maybe forever because you really were important to me.
I just wish I could move on like you did. I really wish that. I hope that I could not miss you like you do not miss me. I just want to let go of you how you did of me.
The funny thing is that you always were rational and I always was sentimental. So I guess I lost because of this.
It’s kinda pathetic I still write about you after all this time and after all the stuff you said to me making it clear that you don’t want me anymore. And I still tried.
Sometimes I regret that I fought for you so hard. So hard. Maybe it would be different. Or the same. But at least, I wouldn’t have spend so much money to see you only for an half of hour. Or I wouldn’t have cried in front of you. Or making myself a fool in front of your friends. Or just putting my everything to you so you could just push it away.
I’ve been heartbroken before. It’s not a premiere or something. You were just so different and so good for my heart and life.. I guess I wasn’t like that to you, even though you always told me I was incredible and yours and etc
Maybe I was not good enough for you, like I was not good enough for everyone that I loved.
“I want to let go of the pain I carry but I lit the cigarette and once more I was ablaze. I cannot rid of you, you are in my fucking veins and I wish I could carve you out with the blade I thought was in my hands the whole time. So I learn to live with you. I learn to avoid the cigarettes you tasted of and the cologne you wore that danced with the smell of the smoke. I avoid your road even if I want to run to your house and scream, scream until my lungs collapse, until my pain becomes yours. You destroyed me and it’s a new year but that means fuck all in the grand scheme of things. I’m still that little naive 15 year old who wanted nothing more than to be loved and feel loved. That little 15 year old who had lost her two best friends and was absolutely fucking alone in the world. That little 15 year old who was drowning in a cocktail of anxiety, depression and ridiculous amounts of self destruction. That little 15 year old who thought she had the power but turns out you had the razor and you cut me open until I was nothing but dust.”
“She told me all about her demons and I made them my angels.”
I broke up with the most toxic person in my life.
I became so much confident.
I had the best summer in my fucking life. I always wanted this and I had it. FINALLY.
I was in a relationship that change my perspective on love. It was the best last day of summer with that person.
I suffered so much and now I know how to put myself together.
I drop out of a college I knew I didn’t want to pursue.
I know my worth and I don’t take anyone’s shit anymore.
I have made some really great friendships with people I never thought I will.
I am in really good relationship with my parents, I learnt that you need to put effort in anything to make it right.
Did I ever tell you that you have the most beautiful eyes in the entire univers? Did I ever tell you how much I love you? Did I ever tell you that I adore all your insecurities? One by one, I would put them in a bowl, I would mix them, I would put the mix in the oven and in the end I would have my favourite cupcake. I would give up all the potatoes in the would, I would give up the smell of the cinnamon, I would give up the morning coffee, just so me and you will be happy together, just so I can wake up next to you until the time stops. And you know how much I love potatoes, cinnamon and my morning coffee. Or do you?
Aristotelian Love – Your partner completes you.
Newtonian Love – There’s a strong attraction between your bodies.
Freudian Love – They’re the partner of your dreams.
Lacanian Love – You want them to want you.
Foucauldian Love – You like to discipline and punish.
Hegelian Love – There’s this whole master-slave dynamic.
Shakespearean Love – Sometimes you pretend to be other people in bed.
Joycean Love – Sometimes you see other people.
Arthurian Love – One partner is married.
Schrödingerian Love – On the verge of collapse.
Heisenbergian Love – Moving fast, but you don’t know where it’s going.
Heideggerian Love – When you can’t be without your partner.
Homeric Love – You’re cousins.
Lovecraftian Love – Horrible and indescribable.
You don’t get to choose your family, you just make the best of what you’ve got.
“She was interested in everything, wanted to experience all that life had to offer.”
“Sometimes I wonder if I’m more motivated by fear than anything else.”
“Doesn’t it drive you insane sometimes, not knowing how it’s all going to turn out? Like, literally anything could happen.”
“Because other people take you at your own valuation?”
“Exactly. Value yourself highly and fight your own corner, because no one else is going to do it for you.”
“The great surprise of the adult world had been that no one really knew what they
were doing, and especially not the people who exuded impenetrable confidence.”
“I guess this is what happens when you grow up. People drift off in their own directions. Sometimes I look around at my job and my flat and my car and can’t believe that people have mistaken me for an adult and let me have all of this. But this is it, isn’t it? We’re the grownups now.”
“After he’d finally disappeared she remained sitting there alone, letting the air darken around her and her hands grow cold and her mind go numb.”
“That was life: you put one foot in front of the other.”