It’s may and may it is (or it was) the time of me and E. I miss him. Not like how he is now, but how we were then. We were so in love, everything was so beautiful, he was so handsome, so kind and loving, warm, and not to mention, really hot. He was completing my sentences. He was everything to me back then. It was 10th may. He was E and he was mine and I was his. Sometimes I think we belong together, but other times I remember all the bad things in the end and it makes me physically sick. But the first months (especially the first one) were one of the most beautiful, happiest time in my life. I will always remember that. That’s why I still have a folder with every memory of him and us. Because we really loved eachother even though we were teenagers. We loved eachother, and we made terrible mistakes, but maybe in another life, we will get it together. Or maybe in this one. I really don’t know what can happen, after all I’ve been through.

 

10 mai 2014

Letter to my ex

“It was for the first time when you bothered me with your ignorance and lies about “us” and I didn’t give you a message. You really didn’t actually want me back and now I can see that crystal clear. I don’t even hate you anymore. I feel pitty. You lost someone who actually ate all your shits all your lies, and accept it because That’s What you do. You lie and pretend and always will. I’m not saying you are a bad person. I am saying that you can’t control your fucking lies. You say you’re amazing and the boss and you do everything perfectly but in your heart you do not believe it. Because you just talk you but don’t do shit. And That’s ok. I am not judging. I loved you for some time, and I knew that if we stay long enough together you would see you do not have to pretend with me. 

You say love is free and you are letting me go free while loving me. That’s bullshit and you knew it from the moment your words escaped your mouth. 

I feel sorry for myself too because I fought AGAIN for someone who didn’t deserve my love. It’s pathetic for YOU. You let go of something amazing and if you will not regret it, it just means I was nothing to you. Only skin. And that isn’t a great surprise. 

I picked the wrong people to love. 

But now I start a new life, I changed again so much, I actually try to make a living. To make something happen. To push myself to do everything I was so scared of doing. I do that now. I am not perfect and I make mistakes, but at least I wake up in the morning and I move my ass and do it. I try. 

The sad part is that I always thought you will be there, at least as a friend. But you weren’t. I was so tired last night from all the work and pressure I had on myself, and I just wanted to talk to someone familiar, someone who would care about me. But you didn’t give me a single sign. You are pathetic making people believe you love them. I feel sorry for you of how you changed (or actually Maybe you were like this all this time). You didn’t love me. Ever. You just pretended it. Go Fuck yourself for waisting my time and heart on you. I could have done so much more in this time. 

Have a nice whatever and Hopefully you won’t be the biggest *ick and coward with the Next girl you will pretend to have something for her.”

Sometimes I wish I’d never met you and hope I’d never think of you ever again and sometimes I try to remember all the moments, to not forget a single thing about you, about us. I don’t want to forget how you had the most beautiful laugh and the most amasing mind. I don’t want to forget how much magnetism we had. How in 2 weeks we could look at eachother and know what the other was thinking. I don’t want to forget any of the many many jokes and laughs we had. You were too fucking incredible to let myself forget you. But sometimes I miss you so much, I want to pull out every memory of you from my mind and heart because it is too much pain to handle. 

I learnt in some months to not think of you non stop. I actually didn’t thought of you for days in a row. 

But everytime I hear a sad song, or I find something relating to you, or the moments I sit in silence with my thoughts (which I never allow myself to), I burst in tears for hours. 

I don’t know how much longer this will continue. Maybe forever because you really were important to me. 

I just wish I could move on like you did. I really wish that. I hope that I could not miss you like you do not miss me. I just want to let go of you how you did of me. 

The funny thing is that you always were rational and I always was sentimental. So I guess I lost because of this. 

It’s kinda pathetic I still write about you after all this time and after all the stuff you said to me making it clear that you don’t want me anymore. And I still tried. 

Sometimes I regret that I fought for you so hard. So hard. Maybe it would be different. Or the same. But at least, I wouldn’t have spend so much money to see you only for an half of hour. Or I wouldn’t have cried in front of you. Or making myself a fool in front of your friends. Or just putting my everything to you so you could just push it away. 

I’ve been heartbroken before. It’s not a premiere or something. You were just so different and so good for my heart and life.. I guess I wasn’t like that to you, even though you always told me I was incredible and yours and etc

Maybe I was not good enough for you, like I was not good enough for everyone that I loved. 

“I want to let go of the pain I carry but I lit the cigarette and once more I was ablaze. I cannot rid of you, you are in my fucking veins and I wish I could carve you out with the blade I thought was in my hands the whole time. So I learn to live with you. I learn to avoid the cigarettes you tasted of and the cologne you wore that danced with the smell of the smoke. I avoid your road even if I want to run to your house and scream, scream until my lungs collapse, until my pain becomes yours. You destroyed me and it’s a new year but that means fuck all in the grand scheme of things. I’m still that little naive 15 year old who wanted nothing more than to be loved and feel loved. That little 15 year old who had lost her two best friends and was absolutely fucking alone in the world. That little 15 year old who was drowning in a cocktail of anxiety, depression and ridiculous amounts of self destruction. That little 15 year old who thought she had the power but turns out you had the razor and you cut me open until I was nothing but dust.”