“There’s a future version of me who’s proud I was strong enough.”
Pretending not to be in love with someone.. I never thought would be like sipping poison every fucking minute every fucking day.
Today I did good. Yesterday, after crying all day, I made myself a promise that I will do good today. And I did. Now I drink my favourite tea because I deserve it. I am proud of myself. I made the right choices. I was good to me and good to others. Today was good, but it’s just the beginning.
“It was for the first time when you bothered me with your ignorance and lies about “us” and I didn’t give you a message. You really didn’t actually want me back and now I can see that crystal clear. I don’t even hate you anymore. I feel pitty. You lost someone who actually ate all your shits all your lies, and accept it because That’s What you do. You lie and pretend and always will. I’m not saying you are a bad person. I am saying that you can’t control your fucking lies. You say you’re amazing and the boss and you do everything perfectly but in your heart you do not believe it. Because you just talk you but don’t do shit. And That’s ok. I am not judging. I loved you for some time, and I knew that if we stay long enough together you would see you do not have to pretend with me.
You say love is free and you are letting me go free while loving me. That’s bullshit and you knew it from the moment your words escaped your mouth.
I feel sorry for myself too because I fought AGAIN for someone who didn’t deserve my love. It’s pathetic for YOU. You let go of something amazing and if you will not regret it, it just means I was nothing to you. Only skin. And that isn’t a great surprise.
I picked the wrong people to love.
But now I start a new life, I changed again so much, I actually try to make a living. To make something happen. To push myself to do everything I was so scared of doing. I do that now. I am not perfect and I make mistakes, but at least I wake up in the morning and I move my ass and do it. I try.
The sad part is that I always thought you will be there, at least as a friend. But you weren’t. I was so tired last night from all the work and pressure I had on myself, and I just wanted to talk to someone familiar, someone who would care about me. But you didn’t give me a single sign. You are pathetic making people believe you love them. I feel sorry for you of how you changed (or actually Maybe you were like this all this time). You didn’t love me. Ever. You just pretended it. Go Fuck yourself for waisting my time and heart on you. I could have done so much more in this time.
Have a nice whatever and Hopefully you won’t be the biggest *ick and coward with the Next girl you will pretend to have something for her.”
Sometimes I wish I’d never met you and hope I’d never think of you ever again and sometimes I try to remember all the moments, to not forget a single thing about you, about us. I don’t want to forget how you had the most beautiful laugh and the most amasing mind. I don’t want to forget how much magnetism we had. How in 2 weeks we could look at eachother and know what the other was thinking. I don’t want to forget any of the many many jokes and laughs we had. You were too fucking incredible to let myself forget you. But sometimes I miss you so much, I want to pull out every memory of you from my mind and heart because it is too much pain to handle.
I learnt in some months to not think of you non stop. I actually didn’t thought of you for days in a row.
But everytime I hear a sad song, or I find something relating to you, or the moments I sit in silence with my thoughts (which I never allow myself to), I burst in tears for hours.
I don’t know how much longer this will continue. Maybe forever because you really were important to me.
I just wish I could move on like you did. I really wish that. I hope that I could not miss you like you do not miss me. I just want to let go of you how you did of me.
The funny thing is that you always were rational and I always was sentimental. So I guess I lost because of this.
It’s kinda pathetic I still write about you after all this time and after all the stuff you said to me making it clear that you don’t want me anymore. And I still tried.
Sometimes I regret that I fought for you so hard. So hard. Maybe it would be different. Or the same. But at least, I wouldn’t have spend so much money to see you only for an half of hour. Or I wouldn’t have cried in front of you. Or making myself a fool in front of your friends. Or just putting my everything to you so you could just push it away.
I’ve been heartbroken before. It’s not a premiere or something. You were just so different and so good for my heart and life.. I guess I wasn’t like that to you, even though you always told me I was incredible and yours and etc
Maybe I was not good enough for you, like I was not good enough for everyone that I loved.
I want to be a writer. It’s one of the greatest jobs for me. I want to live, to experience it, to ask people about their latest kiss and their reason to stay alive, I want to play with words, I want art, I want to write about love until God can’t create any other words for me to describe it. I want really good chaos and create bomb memories, which I can translate into poems.
I want to be a writer because this is the only job I can have and still do all these stuff.
Maybe I should. Maybe I shouldn’t. Maybe I don’t give a single fuck because I’m 20 and I want to write and this is what I am going to do.
How stupid am I? I actually see with how many girls you talk to, I see how you ask them out, I see how I am not “enough” for you. I actually saw how you told a girl that she was the one that understands you. Not me.
You don’t talk about me. I am not on your mind. This is so stupid. Why I was putting my heart for someone who doesn’t want me?
You don’t even see me. You only see you. You don’t think team-love. You think you and the hottest girls you can fuck or talk to.
I need equality. I don’t want to hear every minute how you are so great and I am not. That the mistakes I make, you don’t. The fuck?!
And the worst of all, you lie to me. You always lied to me. Your best friend actually said that you like the girl in your class. The one that you put a bet you can Fuck her first out of all the boys. The girl you told me 3 months ago that you didn’t care about. You didn’t even thought of her. Bullshit.
You may want to appreciate me. You may want to actually tell me the truth. Because I am so good at loving people. But I made too many times the mistake to put my heart out and let it be crushed by the other.
You hurt me even if I am so strong now that I barely feel it. But before I sleep, I cry because only then I think about everything. About the truth. The rest of the time I try to see the good in people. Maybe too often.
Don’t hurt me anymore. Or let me go. Or love me how you should. Or do anything, But don’t hurt me because I don’t deserve it. And I might just leave if you keep pushing my heart to explode because of pain.
I love this feeling. He tells me that the grey stuff that makes everything blurry it is the snow. I ran to the window and I saw it. It is snowing heavily and I am transported in the times when I was little and everything was so simple. I would go outside and made snow angels and then smile all night at the beauty of nature. Now I am sitting with him while he smokes his cigarette and even though I know life is beautiful now, there are some complications. Complications of every 20 years old human. Now I know that I need to be present and not worry. But sometimes it is so smoothing to remember the better days, the most beautiful simple memories. That is the beauty of them. The simplity they have.
I broke up with the most toxic person in my life.
I became so much confident.
I had the best summer in my fucking life. I always wanted this and I had it. FINALLY.
I was in a relationship that change my perspective on love. It was the best last day of summer with that person.
I suffered so much and now I know how to put myself together.
I drop out of a college I knew I didn’t want to pursue.
I know my worth and I don’t take anyone’s shit anymore.
I have made some really great friendships with people I never thought I will.
I am in really good relationship with my parents, I learnt that you need to put effort in anything to make it right.
It’s Christmas and it’s been a long time since I was single. Now I am. And it kinda feels nice. I have concentrated on my family, friends, my future and even myself a lot more than I used to do.
I have always been a hopeless romantic and always will, but I needed this time alone. No boys. No relationships. Now I know what I want, and most importantly, what I deserve.
I missed being with the one I love, I will admit. But it is better that I waited these months to sort out my shit, to clear my head, to forgive and forget.
I love this Christmas even if I am single. I am happy.