The reindeer is hiding by my side, above the biggest cigarette smoke. I want to try a whisky, please. I’ve been cold for a while. Might be because I was in love with someone who didn’t fell the same way. My salad came with a side dish of go fuck yourself. The doctor said I should sleep. Maybe he meant forever. I don’t like crappy love stories. I like the crappy relantionships that work because people love eachother too much. I love when I love too much. Or someone loves me too much. Let’s fucking be too much, maybe we’ll live better. I still wait for that drink. The reindeer grew old and died. Maybe that intoxicating smell kept her alive. Like the shitty things people are going through. I think that’s what keeps us alive. Feeling like shit. We want to know if we can survive when something really bad happens to us. And we do. It’s like conquering a math problem. Or not. I don’t know. I want a cigarette. I don’t need it anymore, but I want it. This is my relationship status by the way. Hopefully, I will get sick of wanting the same person over and over, because he never got sick of rejecting me from time to time. I love chips. Actually, I don’t. I just ate 1 box of them. I was bored. That’s enough confessing for today.
“There’s a future version of me who’s proud I was strong enough.”
“It was for the first time when you bothered me with your ignorance and lies about “us” and I didn’t give you a message. You really didn’t actually want me back and now I can see that crystal clear. I don’t even hate you anymore. I feel pitty. You lost someone who actually ate all your shits, all your lies, and accept it because that’s what you do to people. You lie and pretend and always will. I’m not saying you are a bad person. I am saying that you can’t control your fucking lies. You say you’re amazing and the boss and you do everything perfectly but in your heart you do not believe it. Because you just talk, but you don’t do shit. And that’s ok. I am not judging. I was there for you some time, and I knew that if we stay long enough together you would see you do not have to pretend with me.
You say love is free and you are letting me go free while loving me. That’s bullshit and you knew it from the moment your words escaped your mouth.
I feel sorry for myself too because I fought AGAIN for someone who didn’t deserve my love. It’s pathetic for YOU. You let go of something amazing and if you will not regret it, it just means I was nothing to you. And that isn’t a great surprise.
The sad part is that I always thought you will be there, at least as a friend. But you weren’t. I was so tired last night from all the work and pressure I had on myself, and I just wanted to talk to someone familiar, someone who would care about me. But you didn’t give me a single sign. You are pathetic making people believe you love or care about them. I feel sorry for you of how you changed (or actually maybe you were like this all this time). You didn’t care for me. You just pretended it. Go fuck yourself for waisting my time and heart on you. I could have done so much more in this time.
Have a nice whatever and hopefully you won’t be the biggest *ick and coward with the next girl you will pretend to have something for her.”
“Sometimes I wish I’d never met you and hope I’d never think of you ever again and sometimes I try to remember all the moments, to not forget a single thing about you, about us. I don’t want to forget how you had the most beautiful laugh and the most amasing mind. I don’t want to forget how much magnetism we had. How in 2 weeks we could look at eachother and know what the other was thinking. I don’t want to forget any of the many many jokes and laughs we had. You were too fucking incredible to let myself forget you. But sometimes I miss you so much, I want to pull out every memory of you from my mind and heart because it is too much pain to handle.
I learnt in some months to not think of you non stop. I actually didn’t thought of you for days in a row.
But everytime I hear a sad song, or I find something relating to you, or the moments I sit in silence with my thoughts (which I never allow myself to), I burst in tears for hours.
I don’t know how much longer this will continue. Maybe forever because you really were important to me.
I just wish I could move on like you did. I really wish that. I hope that I could not miss you like you do not miss me. I just want to let go of you how you did of me.
The funny thing is that you always were rational and I always was sentimental. So I guess I lost because of this.
It’s kinda pathetic I still write about you after all this time and after all the stuff you said to me making it clear that you don’t want me anymore. And I still tried.
Sometimes I regret that I fought for you so hard. So hard. Maybe it would be different. Or the same. But at least, I wouldn’t have spend so much money to see you only for an half of hour. Or I wouldn’t have cried in front of you. Or making myself a fool in front of your friends. Or just putting my everything to you so you could just push it away.
I’ve been heartbroken before. It’s not a premiere or something. You were just so different and so good for my heart and life.. I guess I wasn’t like that to you, even though you always told me I was incredible and yours and etc
Maybe I was not good enough for you.”
You were my soulmate but I wasn’t yours, and that broke me hard.
Did I ever tell you that you have the most beautiful eyes in the entire univers? Did I ever tell you how much I love you? Did I ever tell you that I adore all your insecurities? One by one, I would put them in a bowl, I would mix them, I would put the mix in the oven and in the end I would have my favourite cupcake. I would give up all the potatoes in the would, I would give up the smell of the cinnamon, I would give up the morning coffee, just so me and you will be happy together, just so I can wake up next to you until the time stops. And you know how much I love potatoes, cinnamon and my morning coffee. Or do you?
People see kind and they start fucking with you. They start thinking you are weak. They start doing things they wouldn’t do it before. Maybe I should start being rude again, then I will get some respect, if not love.
I was sitting in the kitchen singing Christmas songs while doing dishes and I realised it was the first time in months I was just happy. I was not over the top filled with joy, but I wasn’t sad anymore. I was doing dishes while singing and it felt nice. It felt normal. Maybe it’s a sign that things will get better.
“The trembling hands were trying to find that damn cigarette left in the pocket of her jacket. She couldn’t find it so she threw everything in her room, screaming of anger. She had that cigarette and only that fucking cigarette she was sure of having it. The other things in life were running away from her or they made her turn in everyway possible until she would pass out of confusion. Chaos. And not a good one.
Sometimes you just need that fucking cigarette to get through the chaos.”
You called me and you said you miss me and still love me.
The thing is that the one that I wanted to hear those things from, didn’t call.
And that was everything I thought about.