Pretending not to be in love with someone.. I never thought would be like sipping poison every fucking minute every fucking day.
I was so close to being happy of who I am. So close. Everything was so good, and if it wasn’t, I didn’t care. I didn’t care because I loved me. I trusted me. I had my secrets, I had my heart hidden away and I was so careful with everybody. I knew how to guard myself after being with E. I knew to never but never never be so kind again with people without being sure of who they were. I was so tortured pshycally in that relantionship so when I escaped from it, I promised myself to be careful, to not care too much about boys until I would find someone worth it. I promised to always put me first. And then friends. Always friends. I promised to heal the friendships which were still existing, to make connections with people who would answer at 3 am in the morning and who would stick through thick and thin with me.
And I did. I did everything I promised myself. I was in a relationship, but I knew how not to be attached to it even if I fell in love. I apologised to my left friends who still loved me even if I was a complete douche. I started building friendships. I was going out more. I forced myself to do it because I was trapped for two years, so I didn’t know anymore what was right and what was wrong. I made myself a priority. I said no when I didn’t want to do something.
I lived by my favourite words: “You need to do what you want to do, and you need to stop doing what you don’t want to do”. Simple. But efecttive.
In July, I started to think for myself. And it was so good. It was like tasting chocolate after 2 years of dieting.
Then August came around and the guy who I was with started hurting me a lot. So much, sometimes I am not sorry for hurting him back (even if it was not on purpose). He didn’t care about me. He showed how insignificant I was to him. The funny thing is that he helped me be more confident, always pushing me to be better. To feel valued. Now, he did the exact opposite. He lost my trust, he smashed my heart on the ground.
So I started crying, then starting going out more with friends, I literally was so good. I did what I had to be done. Recovering.
Then I met him. I will call him John. Even if I was still a little damaged after the other guy, John was the thing that was missing from that summer. Maybe in this life, really. He was exactly like me, he was … I don’t know what to call it. Maybe the weirdest and strongest connection.
We clicked perfectly.
I was still healing from that last guy so I stopped him when he leaned on to kiss me.
I did the right thing. After some weeks, I met him again. And I letted him. In that moment, I didn’t care less about the one who hurted me. I putted myself first again. I kissed this guy who I really liked being with. And it felt good.
Then September arrived. I was starting the fall holding hands with John and I was happy. I hadn’t felt so happy from a long time. We had the most incredible 2 weeks. He made 9 September the most perfect day in this year. Slowly in our madness, I fell in love with him. When I arrived home, I cried of happiness, I cried because everything was so perfect, the love, the friends, the waiting for uni, the parents. Every fucking thing.
And then he vanished. He was slowly going away. He hurted me. A lot. So then I started being the worst human being. I was so mean, so heartbroken, so crazy. Bad crazy. I made the worst mistakes because everything that broke me this summer came right back to me. I felt 2 years of horrible things. I felt every relantionship that made me puke of hurt. I felt every friendship who broke me in two. I felt everything bad so I became bad. I did bad. The funny thing was that I cared so much. That’s why I did all those crazy shits, that’s why I lost me. I cared. I loved two people, I didn’t know what was good and what was bad, who really wanted me or who was using me. And this ruined me. I can cry right now of how broken I was.
When John wanted to make things good between us, I told him everything.
From that point on, it was even worse. I dropped college. I lost people. I was a freaking mess.
I started doing what I thought it was “making good”: I was at John’s knees. I was begging for forgiveness and love. I was begging someone to be with me. I was there everytime he would want me. I did everything he wanted to. Only to prove that I loved him and I wasn’t that bad person.
There I did wrong: I opened up to someone, I gave my all to someone even if I promised myself to never do it again until I met the best guy. But he wasn’t the best guy and I know it now. I was so stupid to be so sincere and always there for him when he didn’t want that. He didn’t asked for that. I should have walked away.
He played me big time. He made thing that the other guy was not worth it. He made me lose an important person to me which I will never have again. He made me think he would be mine and I his. He played me. But I didn’t see that then. I loved him even more.
He left me. Then came back. And left me. And so on. It was horrible. October and November were all horrible. It was so horrible that I almost ended my life (stupid). Nothing went right. Absolutely nothing. Everything hurted me. Everything was upside down. And in those times, all you need is the one you love by your side. But the one I loved, made me feel 8000900 times worst. Told me he couldn’t be with me. Maybe it was true. I understood. He needed time alone. Or maybe he just didn’t want me. And I will never knew the truth.
I wish him the best. To all the people I lost or left.
I am looking in the mirror and I don’t recognize myself anymore. I don’t like what I see. I am so weak, so naive, I am ashamed of how pathetic I became. How lifeless. The opposite of who I was 3 months ago. I am not proud of myself.
But I am done. The summer is gone. The fall is gone. It is December and I am promising myself again to never be kind to people, to never open up until it is worth it. To never trust someone. To never let my love life damage my whole life. Especially the university life. To never let myself fall so down. To never let someone make me feel so bad. To never be so bad again. To make the strongest friendships. To be nicer to my parents. To keep my secrets and heart hidden away from everybody. To make myself a priority. To live by my favorite words. To do what I want to do and to never do what I don’t want to do.
“Please don’t give up.”
“Of course. But please don’t ask me to have hope. Hope hurts, and I don’t want to hurt anymore.”
You just don’t care about what I have to say. I was crying in front of you, and you just stand in your bed watching tv and told me that’s all i can do. I WAS CRYING. I WAS FUCKING CRYING. And I forgave you.
You cheated on me so bad with soemone who was too close to me. You told me it was my fault. You just said “I’m sorry it was her” that’s all. And I forgave you.
You cheated your girlfriend with me and you made me wait. Like a whore. I’m still sorry for her. You said it was normal. I forgave you.
You made me feel bad about kissing a boy but you fucked her and then you both came in my home. You made me a liar for months when you were the one who was the most horible person. And I said sorry for months, you didn’t. And I forgave you.
After 3 days when you told me, you said to move one. To move on. And I forgave you.
I broke a guy’s heart for you and I am still sorry about it, but you broke my heart and your bestfriend’s heart and you don’t care about it.
On 15th of August you broke my heart so bad I stayed until 5 a.m. This night is like it.
I begged for you to fight and you just didn’t.
If anyone reads this, even if you know me or not, just tell me I’m not the only one. That I’m not alone.
The closest people in my life broke my heart so bad, again and again and they never fucking stop.
Someone showed me how to be treated like a pricess, and now I’m treated like shit by the love of my life. Sometimes I miss being treated like a human. And like his princess someone else thought I was.