Sometimes I wish I’d never met you and hope I’d never think of you ever again and sometimes I try to remember all the moments, to not forget a single thing about you, about us. I don’t want to forget how you had the most beautiful laugh and the most amasing mind. I don’t want to forget how much magnetism we had. How in 2 weeks we could look at eachother and know what the other was thinking. I don’t want to forget any of the many many jokes and laughs we had. You were too fucking incredible to let myself forget you. But sometimes I miss you so much, I want to pull out every memory of you from my mind and heart because it is too much pain to handle. 

I learnt in some months to not think of you non stop. I actually didn’t thought of you for days in a row. 

But everytime I hear a sad song, or I find something relating to you, or the moments I sit in silence with my thoughts (which I never allow myself to), I burst in tears for hours. 

I don’t know how much longer this will continue. Maybe forever because you really were important to me. 

I just wish I could move on like you did. I really wish that. I hope that I could not miss you like you do not miss me. I just want to let go of you how you did of me. 

The funny thing is that you always were rational and I always was sentimental. So I guess I lost because of this. 

It’s kinda pathetic I still write about you after all this time and after all the stuff you said to me making it clear that you don’t want me anymore. And I still tried. 

Sometimes I regret that I fought for you so hard. So hard. Maybe it would be different. Or the same. But at least, I wouldn’t have spend so much money to see you only for an half of hour. Or I wouldn’t have cried in front of you. Or making myself a fool in front of your friends. Or just putting my everything to you so you could just push it away. 

I’ve been heartbroken before. It’s not a premiere or something. You were just so different and so good for my heart and life.. I guess I wasn’t like that to you, even though you always told me I was incredible and yours and etc

Maybe I was not good enough for you, like I was not good enough for everyone that I loved. 

“I want to let go of the pain I carry but I lit the cigarette and once more I was ablaze. I cannot rid of you, you are in my fucking veins and I wish I could carve you out with the blade I thought was in my hands the whole time. So I learn to live with you. I learn to avoid the cigarettes you tasted of and the cologne you wore that danced with the smell of the smoke. I avoid your road even if I want to run to your house and scream, scream until my lungs collapse, until my pain becomes yours. You destroyed me and it’s a new year but that means fuck all in the grand scheme of things. I’m still that little naive 15 year old who wanted nothing more than to be loved and feel loved. That little 15 year old who had lost her two best friends and was absolutely fucking alone in the world. That little 15 year old who was drowning in a cocktail of anxiety, depression and ridiculous amounts of self destruction. That little 15 year old who thought she had the power but turns out you had the razor and you cut me open until I was nothing but dust.”

How stupid am I? I actually see with how many girls you talk to, I see how you ask them out, I see how I am not “enough” for you. I actually saw how you told a girl that she was the one that understands you. Not me. 

You don’t talk about me. I am not on your mind. This is so stupid. Why I was putting my heart for someone who doesn’t want me?

You don’t even see me. You only see you. You don’t think team-love. You think you and the hottest girls you can fuck or talk to. 

I need equality. I don’t want to hear every minute how you are so great and I am not. That the mistakes I make, you don’t. The fuck?!

And the worst of all, you lie to me. You always lied to me. Your best friend actually said that you like the girl in your class. The one that you put a bet you can Fuck her first out of all the boys. The girl you told me 3 months ago that you didn’t care about. You didn’t even thought of her. Bullshit. 

You may want to appreciate me. You may want to actually tell me the truth. Because I am so good at loving people. But I made too many times the mistake to put my heart out and let it be crushed by the other. 

You hurt me even if I am so strong now that I barely feel it. But before I sleep, I cry because only then I think about everything. About the truth. The rest of the time I try to see the good in people. Maybe too often. 

Don’t hurt me anymore. Or let me go. Or love me how you should. Or do anything, But don’t hurt me because I don’t deserve it. And I might just leave if you keep pushing my heart to explode because of pain. 

20 dec

You fucked her all this time and I was right. How stupid do you think I am? Did you really thought that I didn’t know? That’s why I left that day. Because you broke my heart. But now you shuttered it. I can’t believe I touched the parts of your body that were touched by her. You get me sick. You almost did what E did. 

I’m done. I am so done loving someone who lies, fucks bitches, doesn’t really care about me, makes me feel small. 

I love you, but I don’t know if you ever did. 

When you find out how people lie to you, and worse, some of your closest friends, you stay home. You don’t go out. You cry for people who lie to you. You get sick, maybe because you cry too much. You cry for hours and, and not caring about how you feel, they let you down. And even if you are the one who is hurt by them, they make you the bad guy.

I have had a friend who made me go insane of how much she hurted me. I can’t believe this is happening again.