It’s may and may it is (or it was) the time of me and E. I miss him. Not like how he is now, but how we were then. We were so in love, everything was so beautiful, he was so handsome, so kind and loving, warm, and not to mention, really hot. He was completing my sentences. He was everything to me back then. It was 10th may. He was E and he was mine and I was his. Sometimes I think we belong together, but other times I remember all the bad things in the end and it makes me physically sick. But the first months (especially the first one) were one of the most beautiful, happiest time in my life. I will always remember that. That’s why I still have a folder with every memory of him and us. Because we really loved eachother even though we were teenagers. We loved eachother, and we made terrible mistakes, but maybe in another life, we will get it together. Or maybe in this one. I really don’t know what can happen, after all I’ve been through.

 

10 mai 2014

Letter to my ex

“It was for the first time when you bothered me with your ignorance and lies about “us” and I didn’t give you a message. You really didn’t actually want me back and now I can see that crystal clear. I don’t even hate you anymore. I feel pitty. You lost someone who actually ate all your shits all your lies, and accept it because That’s What you do. You lie and pretend and always will. I’m not saying you are a bad person. I am saying that you can’t control your fucking lies. You say you’re amazing and the boss and you do everything perfectly but in your heart you do not believe it. Because you just talk you but don’t do shit. And That’s ok. I am not judging. I loved you for some time, and I knew that if we stay long enough together you would see you do not have to pretend with me. 

You say love is free and you are letting me go free while loving me. That’s bullshit and you knew it from the moment your words escaped your mouth. 

I feel sorry for myself too because I fought AGAIN for someone who didn’t deserve my love. It’s pathetic for YOU. You let go of something amazing and if you will not regret it, it just means I was nothing to you. Only skin. And that isn’t a great surprise. 

I picked the wrong people to love. 

But now I start a new life, I changed again so much, I actually try to make a living. To make something happen. To push myself to do everything I was so scared of doing. I do that now. I am not perfect and I make mistakes, but at least I wake up in the morning and I move my ass and do it. I try. 

The sad part is that I always thought you will be there, at least as a friend. But you weren’t. I was so tired last night from all the work and pressure I had on myself, and I just wanted to talk to someone familiar, someone who would care about me. But you didn’t give me a single sign. You are pathetic making people believe you love them. I feel sorry for you of how you changed (or actually Maybe you were like this all this time). You didn’t love me. Ever. You just pretended it. Go Fuck yourself for waisting my time and heart on you. I could have done so much more in this time. 

Have a nice whatever and Hopefully you won’t be the biggest *ick and coward with the Next girl you will pretend to have something for her.”

Dear E,

I mis you. I am pretty sure you don’t read this and never will but I will give it a go.

I miss you a lot and maybe I miss what we could have been. I know you really hurted me and I hurted you too, but I still miss us. I miss you a lot because you were my bestfriend. Nobody knew me or knows me how you did. And maybe it applies for you too.

I miss everything about us even the fights. Because in the end we were we. We were forever.

But you screwed up so bad. I still cry sometimes late at night because we could have had EVERYTHING if you would have appreciated me more.

 

It doesn’t matter. Now you are with someone else and I am hoping you are trully happy even if it means to be happy with the whore of our relationship. I really do hope you are happy, because I wasn’t in the relationship after you. It is really hard for me to open up again to someone after you. Because you saw my soul, my heart, myself so raw and you pissed on them big time.

But I still miss you like crazy (I sometimes see something and I think of you but we cannot talk and it makes me cringe). I just hope you see this so you know I wish you the very fucking best and I do not hate you anymore. I forgive you for everything. And mybe you forgave me as well.

You are (or were) a gold heart. I know this. I loved the shit out of you and I think I still love you.

Not like before. But I do love you, because it is so much history with us and we had such a strong connection and I felt it even after the break up, when we met at the collage hallways.

 

But it ended and maybe was for the best. I really believe this.

 

I’ve changed so much, you would be proud of how I am today. I am so confident, I am calm, I am not doing anything that I don’t like, I beated depression. But this change didn’t affect how I feel about you.

 

I am sure you are changed too. I hope that slut (Sorry, I am still going to say the truth) is making you a better man, a better version of yourself, a happy kiddo.

 

If you read this, I strongly believe you would laugh, but maybe it is a part of you that feels what I wrote.

 

15.(oh and I always catch our hour)