It’s may and may it is (or it was) the time of me and E. I miss him. Not like how he is now, but how we were then. We were so in love, everything was so beautiful, he was so handsome, so kind and loving, warm, and not to mention, really hot. He was completing my sentences. He was everything to me back then. It was 10th may. He was E and he was mine and I was his. Sometimes I think we belong together, but other times I remember all the bad things in the end and it makes me physically sick. But the first months (especially the first one) were one of the most beautiful, happiest time in my life. I will always remember that. That’s why I still have a folder with every memory of him and us. Because we really loved eachother even though we were teenagers. We loved eachother, and we made terrible mistakes, but maybe in another life, we will get it together. Or maybe in this one. I really don’t know what can happen, after all I’ve been through.

 

10 mai 2014

You look at those eyes, you feel his hand on your neck while he kisses you, you moan louder and louder and you crack your heart open for someone who would pour his soul into yours.

I want that, but I don’t do it. Not because I am afraid. But because there were so many times when I gave a second chance and I got burned hard. I don’t want to do that again to myself while I am starting to put me first.

This makes me a bad person? This makes me a stupid one? Will I regret this or..?

Love definetely fucks people up.

The sky is blue, but it is a stormy blue. The rain left its mark and the smell is almost a drug that reminds you of childhood, of a new start, of a melancolic power.

I miss him. He hadn’t replied yet. We saw eachother 3 days ago, and with time flowing, he forgets to give me the attention I need and the attention he always had it with me.

I am thorn. Because he slips from me. Again someone who talks sugar with me. And I believed him.

I need love like crazy. I don’t need to stay with him daily, I need the attention I deserve.

Because I am done waiting and see how love leaves from me. With the memories aswell.

But it makes my eyes wet because he is different.

 

Same old story, maybe this time it will end differently.

19 09 16

We had 2 beers, we talked about 3-4 hours, we had sex, he got dressed and I was so sad about the fact we had to go in different directions. You asked me what’s wrong and I said I wanted to be with you more time, and I jumped in your arms.

 

And in the moment you hugged me back, so tight, I knew, I so knew I don’t fucking want to let you go. Not easy, not now.

I am starved for love, I need it, I cry about it. It is an actual drug, I stayed 20 minutes in front of my house crying because I NEED love, I need to feel and be loved, I need it so much it hurts.

 

It hurts to my chore, it hurts to the point I can’t breath, not even alcooholhelps anymore.

 

I don’t need parties, I need lips on my lips.

I don’t need job, I need a really great hug.

I need someone who knows how to love the shit out of me.

 

I am tired of games, but because I am not getting enough love, that’s all I have.

I am so done being heartbroken. I’ve stayed too much time in this emotion, I need escape.

Dear E,

I mis you. I am pretty sure you don’t read this and never will but I will give it a go.

I miss you a lot and maybe I miss what we could have been. I know you really hurted me and I hurted you too, but I still miss us. I miss you a lot because you were my bestfriend. Nobody knew me or knows me how you did. And maybe it applies for you too.

I miss everything about us even the fights. Because in the end we were we. We were forever.

But you screwed up so bad. I still cry sometimes late at night because we could have had EVERYTHING if you would have appreciated me more.

 

It doesn’t matter. Now you are with someone else and I am hoping you are trully happy even if it means to be happy with the whore of our relationship. I really do hope you are happy, because I wasn’t in the relationship after you. It is really hard for me to open up again to someone after you. Because you saw my soul, my heart, myself so raw and you pissed on them big time.

But I still miss you like crazy (I sometimes see something and I think of you but we cannot talk and it makes me cringe). I just hope you see this so you know I wish you the very fucking best and I do not hate you anymore. I forgive you for everything. And mybe you forgave me as well.

You are (or were) a gold heart. I know this. I loved the shit out of you and I think I still love you.

Not like before. But I do love you, because it is so much history with us and we had such a strong connection and I felt it even after the break up, when we met at the collage hallways.

 

But it ended and maybe was for the best. I really believe this.

 

I’ve changed so much, you would be proud of how I am today. I am so confident, I am calm, I am not doing anything that I don’t like, I beated depression. But this change didn’t affect how I feel about you.

 

I am sure you are changed too. I hope that slut (Sorry, I am still going to say the truth) is making you a better man, a better version of yourself, a happy kiddo.

 

If you read this, I strongly believe you would laugh, but maybe it is a part of you that feels what I wrote.

 

15.(oh and I always catch our hour)

It was

“It was 2 am and beside me was my best friend. We were both drinking wine in her friend’s house. In a unknown house. Living room. Her boyfriend. And the mother of her friend.

I was starring on the walls and I felt like it should have happened this way.

I loved the feeling of broken hearted drinking the┬ápain away and being with unknown people because I didn’t care. I was heartbroken and I didn’t care.

I just cared to kill my thoughts of him. Or them.

 

It was 4 am and beside me was my best friend. The friend putted his hand on my leg. And from that point, I felt sick to my stomach. I didn’t want his touch. I just wanted to chill with people. I am trying to move on. I was not asking any attention from a guy I didn’t want.

Don’t get me wrong. I still want love, thouches, men. But not in a unknown house with someone that had no appeal to me.

I felt sick and I just wanted to get out of there. And fast. I wanted home. I wanted home and I wanted to cry my heart out.

I left in good terms with everyone. But the second I entered the cab, I cried non-stop.

 

It was 5 am and I had no one beside me. I was walking the stairs and all I thought was “I hate you that I love you” “I hate you that I love you” and I repeated that until I changed the part “I love you” with “I miss you”.

 

I cried so much, I cried brushing my teeth, I cried closing the doors, I cried in bed, I cried when I took my contact lenses off.

 

And I dreamt of you. I dreamt of you loving someone else. I dreamt of everyone not giving a fuck about me. I dreamt bad.

 

The thing is I wanted to go out so bad that day. And God listened to me and my friends were back in town and they invited me to go out.

And it was a good day until it wasn’t anymore. Because I go through a break-up alone and I don’t realise that I will be in this unstable condition for a while. And maybe this is how it works.

Being ok, laughing with your friends and in the next second wanting home and wanting to cry in your own damn bed.”