The worst thing about myself is that I make the worst mistakes just because I am hurt. I don’t do them for fun or whatever, but just because someone or something is hurting me baddly. And all that guilt makes the hurt and the emptiness I feel disappear for a while. And it’s the worst thing someone can do about themselves.
Usually, I would consider myself a bad person but now I know I do all these really stupid shit just because of my hurt, just because I am human. And sometimes all you can seem to do is lose control while discovering how to recover.
So if you’re like me and you kind of feel you lost yourself in mistakes, just remember sometimes it is all you can do and someone out there has done worse than you (it’s not the smartest thing to advice but you know).
Cheers to the human part of us, that sometimes sucks.
“Despair is a narcotic. It lulls the mind into indifference.”
“…Breathe. You’ve made it so far this year. You’ve gotten through so many things that you thought you wouldn’t, and you’ll continue to get though this, whatever it is. I know you can. I believe in you, and i’m so, so proud of you. I know it probably seems impossible, but it’s going to be ok. It’s going to be ok.
Breathe in, breath out. and just keep breathing. We’re gonna get there.”
“-He is a part of me. He’ll always be. It just hurts so much.
– There is a polish saying “Love is like a head wound. It make you dizzy, you think you die, but you recover. ” Usually.
-That’s a terrible saying.”
Hoping that things will get better is one thing. Recreating yourself when things get worse is another.
I will tell you a little secret. I wanted to commit suicide a lot of times, and one time I stopped because I wanted to drink my favourite coffee for the last time. So I went to the place where it served it. But then I remember I love pasta, so I ordered that too. To be the last one. Then I wanted to smoke a cigarette (how can I kill myself without smoking my favourite cigarette?). So I went to the shop where I knew they sell my favourite kinds. They are expensive, but seeing the circumstances, they were worth it. While I smoked, the storm started and I could hear the thunder. I am in love with summer storms, so I delayed my suicide. While I was sitting there smoking my favourite cigarette while raining, it hit me. I want to do so much more. To taste more. Maybe my life is a mess and I am a complete depressed motherfucker, but there were some things that made me a little better. I could not gave up life because it is so beautiful. The people in my life may not be the best, but at least I got storms, cigarettes and my favourite frappe. And for now, these are enough reasons to stay alive for a little longer. So don’t think I gave up because I am so happy, and I forgave everyone and I think pink is the coolest colour. No. I decided to stay alive because I want to feel more, to see more, to know what the fuck life can bring to the table. And while I stayed for small reasons, I started to put my everything in perspective. Yes, maybe a guy hurted me very badly, but my cat just fell asleep on my hand. Maybe I don’t trust anyone anymore and that sucks, but I just made someone laugh in a supermarket with my sarcasm. Once I started to love life more than people, once I started to love myself more than anything, I began to be good at life. I could not get angry anymore. I could not hate anymore. Because I could not care less about what people say or do. When you want to commit suicide and then decide to wait a little longer, staying alive is more important than ANYTHING bad in this world. So yes, it’s true when they say “be proud even though you just got out of bed”.
“Just because a decision hurts that doesn’t mean it was a wrong decision.”