“…Breathe. You’ve made it so far this year. You’ve gotten through so many things that you thought you wouldn’t, and you’ll continue to get though this, whatever it is. I know you can. I believe in you, and i’m so, so proud of you. I know it probably seems impossible, but it’s going to be ok. It’s going to be ok.

Breathe in, breath out. and just keep breathing. We’re gonna get there.”

Image may contain: 1 person
painting by 17-year-old artist Dimitra Milan
Advertisements

Stiu ca au trecut doi ani, dar vreau sa scriu despre asta, pentru ca ziua de 30 noiembrie 2015 a fost un moment de rascruce pentru mine. Suferisem foarte mult si inainte, dar nu pot sa explic cat de mult m-a afectat psihic (si fizic, la cat de intens a fost) toata situatia. M-a determinat sa ma schimb intr-o persoana extrem extrem de anxioasa, careia ii era frica de orice si oricine, nimic si nimeni nu mai parea real. A fost unul din cele mai oribile zile din toata viata mea pe acest pamant. Desi nu ma mai afecteaza acum situatia, totusi si anul asta o sa ma celebrez pe mine insami pentru toata munca pe care am avut-o cu persoana mea ca sa trec peste. Am realizat ca episodul acela inca ma afecteaza astazi in anumite momente, in sensul ca toata neincrederea si suferinta de atunci ma fac in continuare sa iau decizii proaste. Din simplul motiv ca uneori inca presupun de la inceput ca acea persoana isi va bate joc de mine, asa ca aleg raul, pentru ca de ce nu, oricum o sa sufar. Proasta filozofie de viata, stiu.

In fine, sunt cu totul alta persoana de atunci, am trecut prin lucruri poate la fel de dificile (cu siguranta), dar a durat foarte mult timp si au fost luate foarte multe decizii de mare importanta ca sa ajung aici in final. Inca imi e greu, dar imi stiu foarte bine prioritatile astazi, si desi uneori ma impiedic singura sa iau decizii corecte si bune, macar sunt constiente de ele. Nu cred ca mai e o persoana sa imi fie apropiata pe bune, sa o las in lumea mea- i-am expulzat din inima mea pe toti  care mi-au facut rau (da, sunt cam multi), iar acum sunt foarte exigenta cu timpul si rabdarea mea. Doar daca da cineva semne ca are intentia sa ma calce in picioare, nici macar nu ma mai sinchisesc sa ma razbun cum o faceam inainte- sterg numar de telefon, numele din viata mea si pa.

Ce vreau eu sa spun cu toata postarea asta aiurea organizata e ca stiu, crede-ma, ca stiu cum e sa nu intelegi cum poti sa treci peste o situatie oribila, atat de oribila incat te schimba in toate modurile posibile. Si sfatul meu e sa incerci sa te focusezi pe munca cu tine insuti, nu cu ceilalti – e suficient timp si pentru karma si razbunari. De asta inca mai lupt pe pamantul asta, inca mai ma trezesc dimineata, pentru ca stiu ca sunt oameni care au trecut peste, si se poate, si va veni o zi in care o sa zambesti din nou.

” P.P.S. * Niciodata nu e bine si faci o promisiune, pentru ca
nu ai cum sa stii daca o vei putea respecta. Si in clipa in care
o incalci, va trebui si fii pregatit, fiindca vei dezamigi doi
oameni: persoana careia i-ai facut promisiunea si pe tine
insuti. Si, crede-ma, nu sunt multe lucruri mai nasoale decat
sa fii tu dezamigit de tine. “

-Andrei Ciobanu

How to stay alive

I will tell you a little secret. I wanted to commit suicide a lot of times, and one time I stopped because I wanted to drink my favourite coffee for the last time. So I went to the place where it served it. But then I remember I love pasta, so I ordered that too. To be the last one. Then I wanted to smoke a cigarette (how can I kill myself without smoking my favourite cigarette?). So I went to the shop where I knew they sell my favourite kinds. They are expensive, but seeing the circumstances, they were worth it. While I smoked, the storm started and I could hear the thunder. I am in love with summer storms, so I delayed my suicide. While I was sitting there smoking my favourite cigarette while raining, it hit me. I want to do so much more. To taste more. Maybe my life is a mess and I am a complete depressed motherfucker, but there were some things that made me a little better. I could not gave up life because it is so beautiful. The people in my life may not be the best, but at least I got storms, cigarettes and my favourite frappe. And for now, these are enough reasons to stay alive for a little longer. So don’t think I gave up because I am so happy, and I forgave everyone and I think pink is the coolest colour. No. I decided to stay alive because I want to feel more, to see more, to know what the fuck life can bring to the table. And while I stayed for small reasons, I started to put my everything in perspective. Yes, maybe a guy hurted me very badly, but my cat just fell asleep on my hand. Maybe I don’t trust anyone anymore and that sucks, but I just made someone laugh in a supermarket with my sarcasm. Once I started to love life more than people, once I started to love myself more than anything, I began to be good at life. I could not get angry anymore. I could not hate anymore. Because I could not care less about what people say or do. When you want to commit suicide and then decide to wait a little longer, staying alive is more important than ANYTHING bad in this world. So yes, it’s true when they say “be proud even though you just got out of bed”.