The reindeer is hiding by my side, above the biggest cigarette smoke. I want to try a whisky, please. I’ve been cold for a while. Might be because I was in love with someone who didn’t fell the same way. My salad came with a side dish of go fuck yourself. The doctor said I should sleep. Maybe he meant forever. I don’t like crappy love stories. I like the crappy relantionships that work because people love eachother too much. I love when I love too much. Or someone loves me too much. Let’s fucking be too much, maybe we’ll live better. I still wait for that drink. The reindeer grew old and died. Maybe that intoxicating smell kept her alive. Like the shitty things people are going through. I think that’s what keeps us alive. Feeling like shit. We want to know if we can survive when something really bad happens to us. And we do. It’s like conquering a math problem. Or not. I don’t know. I want a cigarette. I don’t need it anymore, but I want it. This is my relationship status by the way. Hopefully, I will get sick of wanting the same person over and over, because he never got sick of rejecting me from time to time. I love chips. Actually, I don’t. I just ate 1 box of them. I was bored. That’s enough confessing for today.
“Who’s the real you? The person who did something awful, or the one who’s horrified by the awful thing you did? Is one part of you allowed to forgive the other?” —Rebecca Stead
Dezamagirea e mai crunta decat orice medicament, nu se ia cu prescriptie, viata ti-o da din plin, pe nepregatite, si din pacate nu exista medicament conceput pentru alterarea altuia; iar, uneori, dezamagirea o duci ca pe un cancer sufletesc cu termen limitat. Si tu nu iti permiti chimioterapie sufleteasca.
The worst thing about myself is that I make the worst mistakes just because I am hurt. I don’t do them for fun or whatever, but just because someone or something is hurting me baddly. And all that guilt makes the hurt and the emptiness I feel disappear for a while. And it’s the worst thing someone can do about themselves.
Usually, I would consider myself a bad person but now I know I do all these really stupid shit just because of my hurt, just because I am human. And sometimes all you can seem to do is lose control while discovering how to recover.
So if you’re like me and you kind of feel you lost yourself in mistakes, just remember sometimes it is all you can do and someone out there has done worse than you (it’s not the smartest thing to advice but you know).
Cheers to the human part of us, that sometimes sucks.