I suffered so much in the past, I can’t suffer now too, I know better than this.
I can’t suffocate myself again with pain.
I know sometimes you have to feel pain. To let it be. To swim in it. And then get back on your feet.
BUT I have so much pain in me and the last 7 years (horrible for me, sometimes not that bad, sometimes good), I never was TRULLY happy. I can’t suffer AGAIN.
And I am done with this. I want to be happy. FOR A LONG TIME. I want to feel loved. And BE loved. Properly. I want to have the best friends in this world. The kind of friends I always wanted since I was a kiddo. I want to have succes. I want fun. I am young. I want to feel safe. I want to find something that I am passionate about, and thrive in that field. I want to know if I should stay or study abroad. I want to be a millionair in a couple of years. I want to be simple sometimes. I want to not have anxiety anymore. Or to struggle so much. Or be sad again. Depressed. Maniac. I want to be the kind of human I always wanted.
I lack trust (in myself or others), I lack confidence, money, FRIENDS, love. I have been in the most distructive relantionships (friends, boys, food, myself) for SOOOO long, I struggle so bad to be where I want to be, with who, when, how I want to be.
It is so fucking hard that I am waking up crying.
And I have to do it on my fucking own.
But I WILL do it. Fuck, I will get what I want for so long. FUCK everyone or everything that made me suffer, or made me question myself and my power, FUCK fakers, fuck people who stay in my way, fuck anxiety, A BIG FUCKING FUCK YOU to anxiety, eating disorders, depression and maniac episodes.
FUCK them all.
I will succed. I am already succeding by starting to think like that.