They slipped briskly into an intimacy from which they never recovered.
—  F. Scott Fitzgerald, This Side of Paradise
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O privire inapoi- vara 2016

“V imi spunea acum 2 luni si ceva ca la sfarsitul verii o sa fiu cu totul alta persoana, o persoana schimbata, noua, si pe care o va ajuta pe parcurs ca sa o vada cum infloreste.

Si a avut atata dreptate. Sunt atat de altfel, sunt atat de bine, si inca nu cel mai bine.

M-am schimbat ENORM vara asta, mi-am schimbat principiile mele invechite, mi-am schimbat atitudinea fata de mine, fata de realitate, fata de oameni. Am citit, am ras, am plans, am adorat, am invatat pentru BAC, am luat BAC-ul, am mers in Vama imediat dupa BAC, am fost admisa la facultate, am intrat la buget, am baut, am baut muuuult, am scris, am fumat sute de pachete de tigari, am iubit, am tradat, am inselat, am trecut peste, am iertat, am suferit, am iesit aproape in fiecare seara, daca nu din doua in doua zile, am legat prietenii, am rupt prietenii, am fost tradata, am fost mintita, am fost jucata, am fost adorata, am avut sute de discutii geniale, am prins FIECARE rasarit in ultima luna de vara, am facut cel mai bun sex din viata mea, am pierdut de 18 ori la whist, am fost iar in Vama si a fost una din cele mai rele nopti din viata mea, am fost indragostita, am fost abandonata, am fost atinsa, am fost admirata, am fost incurajata, am sarutat, am muscat, am realizat FOARTE multe, am fost muscata, am fost extraordinar de haos deci m-am regasit..

 

Am gasit “leoaica” din mine si am daramat zidurile. Si acum, gasindu-ma, o sa imi exploatez la maximum focul din mine, pentru ca a fost stins, poate nu a fost aprins niciodata, dar stiu sigur ca are o flacare mare.

Multumesc V, multumesc oricui care mi-a calcat in viata vara asta, pentru ca fara voi nu as fi reusit sa ajung aici.”

 

 

31 august, Cheers to this fucking summer

“The last day of summer and I spent it with you and it was superb (how you like to say it).

When I was about to leave, you pulled me closer to you, kissed me and said that this day was that special thing that missed this summer. And I laughed and kissed you back. Because you are right. This really was that special thing we were both looking for it.

I told you when we were both on your bed smoking and when we were standing on that bench at 7 am in the park that I CAN’T WAIT to see, to feel what autumn brings. Because I am both terrified and blessed to start a completly new chapter. At least (or at best) I started it with you in my mind.”

 

Insomnia isn’t a pretty girl with a messy bun and a cup of coffee in her hand.

Insomnia is being awake at 5 am because your head won’t shut up.
Insomnia is being so tired it feels like passing out, but not being able to close your eyes and fucking sleep.
It’s your head screaming and finding tiny little things to fixate on.
It’s having to take medicine every single night just to get a few hours of sleep.
Insomnia is people not understanding that when you say that you’re tired, you don’t mean “I am so tired, I only got like 6 hours of sleep”, it’s meaning “I am so tired because my head kept me awake, again.”
Insomnia is counting the hours you’ve slept, and being so obsessed with them.
It is feeling your entire body wanting to shut off, but your mind is screaming “Oh but you can’t sleep now, I’m having so much fun tormenting you.“

 

 

 

“I am so tired. I have forgotten how to sleep …”
—  Laurie Halse Anderson, Wintergirls