Some shit I wrote

The reindeer is hiding by my side, above the biggest cigarette smoke. I want to try a whisky, please. I’ve been cold for a while. Might be because I was in love with someone who didn’t fell the same way. My salad came with a side dish of go fuck yourself. The doctor said I should sleep. Maybe he meant forever. I don’t like crappy love stories. I like the crappy relantionships that work because people love eachother too much. I love when I love too much. Or someone loves me too much. Let’s fucking be too much, maybe we’ll live better. I still wait for that drink. The reindeer grew old and died. Maybe that intoxicating smell kept her alive. Like the shitty things people are going through. I think that’s what keeps us alive. Feeling like shit. We want to know if we can survive when something really bad happens to us. And we do. It’s like conquering a math problem. Or not. I don’t know. I want a cigarette. I don’t need it anymore, but I want it. This is my relationship status by the way. Hopefully, I will get sick of wanting the same person over and over, because he never got sick of rejecting me from time to time. I love chips. Actually, I don’t. I just ate 1 box of them. I was bored. That’s enough confessing for today.

Bye.

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“Who’s the real you? The person who did something awful, or the one who’s horrified by the awful thing you did? Is one part of you allowed to forgive the other?” —Rebecca Stead

The worst thing about myself is that I make the worst mistakes just because I am hurt. I don’t do them for fun or whatever, but just because someone or something is hurting me baddly. And all that guilt makes the hurt and the emptiness I feel disappear for a while. And it’s the worst thing someone can do about themselves.

Usually, I would consider myself a bad person but now I know I do all these really stupid shit just because of my hurt, just because I am human. And sometimes all you can seem to do is lose control while discovering how to recover.

So if you’re like me and you kind of feel you lost yourself in mistakes, just remember sometimes it is all you can do and someone out there has done worse than you (it’s not the smartest thing to advice but you know).

Cheers to the human part of us, that sometimes sucks.

dor și doare-ivcelnaiv

“Ai apărut pe planeta mea
neașteptat, ca în miezul zilei, o stea
atrasă de forța mea de gravitație,
fermecată de mișcarea mea de rotație.
Ți-am facut loc în sufletul meu
tu ai intrat cu greu,
pentru că tu erai steaua plină de sclipici
iar eu aveam un suflet cu ferestre mici.
dimineața dor
iar noaptea doare
m-ai lăsat cu capul în nori
și cu ochii în soare

Ce vremuri, când dimineața, la prânz și seara
de la inima mea îți aprindeai țigara
Ce vremuri, când ascultam cigarettes after sex
și ne șopteam cuvinte care nu sînt în dex
Ce vremuri,
când ne băteam cu perne în al nouălea cer
de ningea în miezul verii, în oraș, la parter
ce vremuri, ce vremuri, ce vremuri
daca ți le-amintești începi să te cutremuri
dimineața dor
iar noaptea doare
m-ai lăsat cu capul în nori
și cu ochii în soare
Apoi ai inceput să te stingi
cu vorbe dulci să nu mă mai atingi
ai dispărut înghițită de black hole
eu am rămas fredonând unforgettable, nat king cole,
zilele au început să fie din ce în ce mai grele
așa am devenit alergic la praf de stele
dacă știam că voi orbi de la a ta lipsă
măcar îmi puneam ochelarii de eclipsă
dimineața dor
iar noaptea doare
m-ai lăsat cu capul în nori
și cu ochii în soare”